It is with this guide that I, Some Guy, can help you through any Massive Multi-player Online Role-playing experience, and turn you into a great warrior, made from polygons of steel and pixels of justice before you can even say "I'm level fifty on my main."

Know your Enemy -

Ultima Online and World of Warcraft are full of the greatest of fighters -- so great that they need no education or even human contact to validate their existence. The only thing they need to keep their ego on a high point is a mouse and monitor (and clearly, these guys are a resourceful bunch).

When you're training yourself in the early stages of whatever game you've chosen, it's very important not to die (read the How Not to Die guide, coming soon). If you play against someone who is better than you and will kill you, it is likely that you will die. What I suggest is that you pick on a newcomer. A new member can be distinguished with phrases such as "I'm lost", "Someone kill this guy for me" or "I'm new and vulnerable". Lies and outright excuses about your experience are other adequate ways to gain respect in your early days, and is also a proven, as well as, often practiced technique.

Once you've adequately moved up the food-chain (Note: literally eating other game players is illegal), you can now take on more challenging opponents and stick your head out a bit more. The important thing to remember is that the longer you spend playing an MMORPG, the more you can insult others.

Insult your Enemy -

Insulting others is only one of the best parts of the MMORPG funliness. Since the gamers have the combined Intelligence Quotient of nearly one Norfolk-dweller, their retorts will never (or, at least, ironically) address: inaccurate points; spelling; pronunciation and grammar; egomania and malicious, as well as immature speech.

The best aspect of insulting online is, however, that you cannot be hurt physically. People email, comment and post insults all over the Internet without the fear of having to face their reprisal or looking the clearly bemused bystanders in the eye, as their face is painted a mixture of confusion and somewhat sympathetic hatred. Only on the Internet can you be allowed to make such liberal references to mothers, sisters and house visitations.

Threatening to kill someone is a good way to prove how smart and mentally gifted you are. The only problem is, if the receiver does not believe you (and why would they?), you will be left with an unscathed opponent and a damaged ego. So, it's important to weaken the second player with creative insults before the fictional stories of your criminal record arise. Here are some good examples of insults and their definitions:

Paper-Clip: A device used to attach sheets of paper together. Your opponent won't enjoy being called skinny and plastic, so this one works on many levels.

Period Watcher: This is a particularly special affront because of its relevance to the habits of an MMORPG player. Period Watcher will make them feel insecure and feeble. An all-round winner.

Librarian: It's not a great job.

Open-Faced Sandwich: Implying that your opponent is edible is a well-known tactic and the main reason for Hitler's suicide. Also, he got bored.

Practice, Practice, Ripatce -

Desert your friends, kill your family; MMORPGs are a way of life, in fact, they are life. The longer you spend on Counter-Strike, the more respectful and brilliant you will appear. There's no reason to insult someone's ability if you don't have green armour and a +2 long sword.

F.A.Q. -

'An enemy of mine is using a line of creative and brutally honest insults againsts me. What should I do?'

When worst comes to worst, spam like a bear of some kind. Unintelligent insults are the way forward in life.

'My computer isn't working. Help me.'

Are you sure you have a computer? Check the area where you keep your computer, and if there is no computer there, you probably don't have one. What I suggest is that you buy a computer, but don't forget where you keep it.

'I don't like MMORPGs.'

Die.

As the sun rises for the fifth day in writing this guide, thanks to a diet of black coffee and cigarettes, I am able to enjoy every minute of it with the company of the low hum of my hard drive and midi Runescape soundtrack. I have to confess that I love MMORPGs more than ever. The elitism against the inexperienced, the rush of adrenaline from clicking on some monster until it dies for some reason... The most important thing to remember is have fun, gain weight and make everyone believe that you have big muscles and a smarty-pants brain while doing thusly.