|
How to Keep a Blog by Some Guy - February 10th 2006 |
|
Blogs are the most
important aspect of the Internet, nay, life. Whether or not you want to
believe it, everyone important keeps a blog. Why do you think Microsoft's
technology hasn't advanced at all in the space of over twenty years? It's
because Bill Gates is busy keeping the world updated with mesmerising
entries such as, "i hate skool it suckx k ttyl luv u all!!!"
Not only are blogs great for telling everyone
what you had for breakfast while including vague descriptions of how it
tasted, but blogs are a great outlet for self-righteous Internet users who
wish to apologise to their significant other without the fear of any
intellectuals informing them of how ignorant, pathetic or even stupid they
truly are. Sound interesting? Then, let's learn how it's done!
Sorting out appearances -
Pink is a definite yes for blogs, but choosing
the right shade can be difficult -- if it's too bright, it will appear pale.
However, if your shade of pink is too dark, it will become red, defeating
the whole object of looking as obnoxious as possible. The most important
tip I can give you is this: if it looks as annoying as possible, it's a
winner.
Having a tacky background
is fine, but if you don't have any hearts, you might as well give up on
blogs and write for a newspaper (not recommended). If you're still unsure
as to whether this layout is irritating enough, make a huge
photo gallery. After all, pictures of you "Hangin out wiv" your
"m8s" is a very
valuable aspect of our lives, and worth spending hours on end cycling
through. If however, you have no friends, then nothing says you can't fill
your photo album up with pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog running towards
what appears to be nothing (possibly the end of the album, you would have
to ask him).
Make sure all of your writing is in bright
colours and fonts that may suggest that someone fancy is writing with
their actual hand (try Lucida Handwriting). I also cannot stress enough
how crucial it is to use as many Microsoft Word symbols as possible.
Whether or not they look anything like their intended letters is
irrelevant when you consider that there are still blogs out there that
have three -- sometimes even more -- English words in a row! All of your
titles, lists, friend names or anything else stupid should be arranged as
if you just threw up on the Qur'an and attempted to clean it with a can of
Hebrew edition alphabet soup. After all, you don't want to spend all of
your time writing anything interesting or relevant, do you?
Content (stuff) -
Of course you're not planning to write
anything hard-hitting or creative on your blog. You have to bear in mind
that blog users have an extraordinary brain-wave that doesn't allow them
to let thoughts such as 'Am I wasting my time?' into their heads. If you
really want to push the boundaries though, you could always post news that
you copied from the BBC website and add 'holy fuck lol' at the bottom.
Although you may be accused of being overly-incisive and pretentious.
Plagiarism is actually the most popular form
of writing when it comes to blogs. As long as it's quick, unrealistic and
gives the misleading impression that you have a heart, then use it. A good
example of this is the Sarah poem.
Use this in your blog and you will receive many great comments, such as "yeh
i h8 child obtuse 2." That said, the most popular of all chain blog
entries is the anti-racism story. Feel free to use either of these in your blog.
Publishing emails that
you've received is another good way to fill up your blog. This is
especially true if they were about Holly Wales and Jessica Chapman, since
you could include the generic comments such as "send this 2 evry1 u no or
u haf no soul lol" to play on people's fictional emotions. Anyone who
really cared about those two would have sent an e-card to Johnny
Vegas, but it still makes an impact somehow.
Apart from the previous suggestions, and
adding your results to an obscure online test, you can actually write
your own entries. Be careful however, as any more than twelve words
may shock your audience. Just make sure it gets to the point and you act
as passionately as you can towards the subject (even if you know nothing
about it).
Spam, for the love of God -
People want to know about your blog. If you
email them about your latest entry, you will receive hits and a fanbase
that will attack any nay-sayers that claim, "All of your entries are
self-absorbed, repetitive and poorly spelt. For someone that spends so
much time on Microsoft Word getting Arabic symbols, you could atleast run
a spell-check." That said, the attacks on the
aforementioned 'unconventional blogger' will be mature, containing
intelligent outlooks from both parties.
Spamming in the traditional sense is fine, but
if you change your name to something along the lines of 'parIs hiltON
namked omg' or 'emo gerls kissing', you're sure to attract more visitors.
F.A.Q. -
'Someone keeps
attacking and/or molesting my blog. What do I to do, please?'
The answer is pretty simple: attack their blog. Leave comments such as "I
h8 u btw i was neva tryin 2 b funneh so stfu b4 calling ova ppl reatrded
mayb u shuld luk at urself." If you're feeling particularly crafty,
however, you can leave comments pretending to be the other person. No one
else will notice your decline in spelling and grammar, or the fact you
made your coming out in the comments instead of posting a new entry.
Genius.
'What's the best blog in the world?' MSN Spaces, obviously. Just look at how smart everyone is; plus, the amount of emoticons used in each entry must set a new record or something. 'Blog cause pain in stomach.' No, you're wrong. Blogs are always good, and no one is ever hurt. Although it feels like the world is passing me by in the midst of my several jobs and families, I can always rely on blogs to make my day. It's not easy keeping a blog, and there are certain obstacles to hurdle, long hours of effort to put in and of course, the benefit of knowing that you can never be wrong. |