In this guide, I will be showing you that advertising is both fun and profitable. Not only that, but I will reveal the secrets to promoting your product and the techniques that changed me from being a poor, dole collecting man with a generic name into a poor, dole collecting man with a generic name that writes for a free website. Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? 

Control the volume -

When it comes to television and radio, it's a well-known fact that being as loud as possible will win over the audience. People who may lose their attentions from their programming while being interrupted by periodical adverts will say things like "Wow, I wasn't even paying attention before, but now that I've seen how loud and obnoxious this advert is, I will definitely do whatever they say, because I am an average television or radio audience member!" The trick here is in the editing: when the advert is in post-production, instead of equalising the sound quality and volume, just turn all of the knobs up as far as they go.

However, being new to advertising, you will most likely begin with websites or unknown writing publications. The principle here is pretty much the same -- using bold text with bright colours will attract your audience, as well as using words like sex and more sex. Although you might not receive as much exposure for big media companies looking to hire, I strongly recommend working for a website -- at least on the side of whatever it is you were supposed to be doing.

The advantages of working online is that you can make pop-ups, get into the wonderful world of Spyware (which your audience will also love) and even make seizure-inducing adverts with the most annoying audio possible that plays whenever someone comes near one of your banners. Any successful advertising person of recent times will regale you with fond stories of how they redirected millions onto their Viagra and penis-enlargement website and placed further advertisements within the victim's hard drive. Then, they got away with it. Who says there aren't any more heroes left? One thing to note is that many websites themselves are corrupt, and may try to escape payment. Make sure that the webmaster is both trustworthy and naïve before settling a deal. Small businesses are easily exploited, so it's best to start with them.     

Getting the right staff -

After establishing your name in the advertising world, your offers will include hiring the actors and a production crew for television, radio and those movie adverts on websites that won't let you escape until you have seen the entire thing at least four times. Using the right actors is very important, and it's useful to know who will be better suited for which role.

If you're advertising for a loan company, your spokesperson must be wearing a suit and should be carrying no less than twelve pounds of botox in their face. Your target audience, however, are in debt, and probably have bad accents. What this indicates is that 'Husband in Debt #1' and 'Wife in Debt #1' must have bad (possibly fake), Northern accents. When auditioning for these people, make sure they over-act every line and only have two emotions: anxious and overly excited, so the audience don't receive mixed signals as to whether or not they are happy taking out a twelfth mortgage.

Voices are probably the most vital part of advertising on the radio (don't worry about any music, as long as it's crap and gets into people's heads). The voices used have to fall into one of the three categories: posh and trustworthy (like a pilot); big and self-important (the kind you hear in American sports utility vehicle adverts) and the purposefully pathetic man, who has deep emotional distress that can be instantly cured by your product. No matter what voice is being used, however, make sure you have a theme picked out. Like all of the tedious aspects of advertising, these themes can be divided into a few categories: the type of advert in which you spend thirty seconds trying to convince the audience you're not evil; and the other type of advert in which the voice-over dances around a prospect that attempts to be philosophical (like the word OK, for example), and then tells you about the product at the last second, without explaining it in any detail.      

F.A.Q. -

'I have received a complaint about my advertising techniques/advertisements. Do I kill them?'

Try to avoid killing your customers. After all, you don't want to be remembered as 'that guy that advertises and kills his customers', do you? The best thing you can do at this point is reply with an automated response, regarding your custom-made toolbar, for example. In a real-life situation, however, you will have to face up to your situation and dodge as many questions as possible.

'Where do I get inspiration for my adverts?'

If you honestly can't make pop-ups that offer free holidays and get a few failed actors to push your law/pyramid scheme-type company by getting them to say you made them millions after they fell into a hole, then the best option would be to steal someone else's idea and re-label it with your company's name. Keep at it, and you'll make a fortune.

'I've been making advertisements for years, but I've barely made enough to keep my family alive. Please help me, I'm begging you!'

That wasn't a question.

With the knowledge secured that I have made the world a better place with my informative credit card adverts playing throughout the day-time on Nickelodeon, the only thing I can think of now that can feed my ego just that little bit more is that I have helped you, the reader, the advertiser; I have helped you by informing you of everything it takes to be a success into one entertaining piece of literature. Your very much welcome.