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How to Run a Website by Some Guy - April 7th 2006
 
Running a website is like running really fast. How that is, I don't know. How this opening paragraph can attract attention or entertain... it can't.

So now that that's out of the way, it may fascinate you to know that I have been involved in webmasterbation for a number of years (0 is a number, so everything I say is true, technically. I've also had 'many' girlfriends). Being a webmaster means sacrificing every spare moment of your life for a bunch of numbers and pictures that mean nothing to anyone else and look really bad. Being a webmaster means humiliation, a degradation in health and hygiene, and also an instant decline in your social life. But, let's leave the advantages of website maintenance for later.   

Get used to the new history -

A webmaster is not only the tool of every pop-up, host and domain of the intarweb, a webmaster (or webmistress) is the tool of a 12-year-old's abuse. However, your background has to reflect your career/hobby in suckosity, so I have written up these directions of your new past, present and future (you will, of course, be consistently reminded through your hate-mail):

Your Home:

  • Your parents' basement. Your parents are still alive and together, but your father resents you and your unsuccessful (webmastering) career.
  • Your family is -- and will always be -- of the lower-middle-class. You cannot be rich (twelve-year-olds don't lie) and you are a burden on your entire family and everyone hates you.
  • You may also be a communist if you receive an e-mail from a xenophobic Christian you recently annoyed with your anti-Bush rant describing you as such. Sorry, but this was your choice, not theirs'. Damn commie webmasters!

Your Appearance:

  • You're fat. You have terrible acne and haven't seen the sun in days.

Your social and romantic life:

  • You only have a few friends -- who help with the site, quoting 'All Your Base' and address you by your World of Warcraft username -- everyone else hates you.
  • You have never seen a real-life girl naked. You never will. By the way, you're a virgin now, between your mid-twenties to late-forties. There are no other ages for webmasters! That is the rule of the twelve-year-olds!

It's pretty simple, really: webmasters are losers. Their home-life contrasts with their incredible Internet presence. Many may argue that these twelve-year-olds are too immature to understand what goes into a website and are usually bitter about something pointless and trivial. Well, these people are wrong! And, by people, I mean you, idiot webmaster!

Be original -

Running a website isn't just about earning a new background and having a name like Zormat - Master of the Webiverse -- your content has to kick more evil Asians than Jackie Chan. Basically, you need a gimmick. This gimmick has to reflect your site in its entirety, so start with something vague, such as, "I'm gonna load it up with porn!" After that, you can begin to get creative: "Battery porn! There must be someone on the Internet that likes batteries. I can cash-in on that!" If you can build on these ideas, then you will soon have a website with a growing community of battery porn-lovers. It's that simple.

Promote it like Bird Flu -

The way in which you promote your website depends on what it is exactly. The following is a list of the two most popular 'gimmicks/vague business model' used for certain websites and their successful approaches towards spreading their name:

Taboo/Weird Fetish Porn:
  • Ending up on a satire site or Christian newsletter with the heading "Eeevil!" will pull in the big numbers, but you may find that these aren't the kind of people you want in your community. Expect hatred.
  • You may have to rely on the old word-of-mouth for the most part.
  • Search engines are a win. People can find your site discreetly (as they wish), so sign up to as many of those things that I said as possible.
  • Enter into similar sites and promote your stuff. Chances are if they're into rabbits, they're into batteries.
 		Selling Things:
  • The first step to success here is to drive people away from the bigger companies like Amazon and Play. Go to forums and enter search engines with a title similar to: "EVERYTHING IS FREE!* *if you've paid for it."
  • Hand out business cards. They're snazzy.
F.A.Q. -

'What the Hell is this Web 2.0 crap?'

No one really knows for sure. It's basically about those banners that say, "Ads by Goooooogle", friend network stuff like MySpace and Bebo and also community-based things like editing people's articles to make it better. There's nothing set in stone, so just look at things and go, "Ah, very Web 2.0" to sound smart. I do that at my local bakery all the time.

'I need my website to start raking it in; fast!'

Porn, my friend. The answer is porn. You should have figured that out by now.

'Why didn't you write anything about the actual design or maintenance of a website in this entire guide?'

Woops! Looks like you're reading the wrong guide. You need 'How to Stop Being a Useless Prick and Wasting Everyone's Time'. I won't write that. It would just be doing you a favour.

With the funderful world of e-commerce and chain-mail spreading at an increasing rate, I can only take so much credit. After all, this great land of Internet web freedom is the reason I wake up in the morning and piss. The world around us is more beautiful the less we talk about it, and that applies to the 'pharmacy' section of my website, too. Vive La Dot-Com!