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How to Design a Modern Videogame by Some Guy - April 14th 2006
 
If you're not designing a videogame for a big company like Universal Interactive or Coleco, then the only other available jobs left in the world involve either testing games or running a games company. I know this from my time-travelling experiences -- except it takes three minutes to go three minutes into the past, so I avoid using the machine in fear that I may stumble into some kind of time/space complex of sorts. 

Like everything else I do in life, I shall write a detailed guide of how to design a successful videogame for the current age of the present. As you know, I'm better than most people, so I will also tap-dance around the matter of promoting your game (everyone in the Western civilization has heard of Some Guy. That's how good I am). 

Make the Protagonist work -

That bold text may have been slightly vague and nonsensical, so read this here. Your protagonist must be relevant to the genre of your game. If you're doing a racing game -- not a driving game, just a typical 'Earn Faster Cars and Drive Your Way to the Top with Unvaried Tracks' -- then you won't have a lot to worry about (like a personality, for example). In fact, don't even give the main character a face. There's no reason why you have to.

When dealing with 'Drive Around and Shoot People' games, you won't have to use much imagination. The location of your game will have already been planned at this point, so just go with stereotypes. If, for example, your game is set in Mexico (it doesn't matter where specifically, it all looks the same in most games anyway), then your protagonist will be a gun-toting esé with a large moustache (I understand all Latinos have a lot of facial hair). Naturally, this game will be a GTA rip-off anyway, so just copy what you see there.

Role-playing games will often involve multiple characters with individual back stories, and, of course, "A mission!" RPGs on the whole need a lot of work to turn out good results; but if you must, then just remember: the first thing the game player will see is usually the main character, so give that person (or  thing) the most detailed and enticing story. With all of the characters coming out of nowhere, you won't have to focus too much on giving the characters unique personalities or clever stories, so there's a plus. Just throw the odd catchphrase in and your strange 9 year-old with a tail is now witty and charismatic. Platinum-seller!

To keep from working too hard or getting creative here, just keep your protagonist focused on the storyline. As long as your Californian gangster with a surfboard carries on (or, at least makes constant references towards) getting his revenge on them no-good nicks that killed his antique cat, than the gamer won't find whatever you put in front of them tedious and irrelevant.    

Presentation -
 
First, I'm going to cover the cover (see what I did there) of your game. When it comes to sequels, keep it the same. Veteran fans will be annoyed if they see their favourite wrestling series now with a minimalist front-cover and loading screens with tigers (unless they've already abandoned your title because of a decline in gameplay). Only use minimalism for your cover if it's for a new title looking for attention. Pop-art will confuse everyone, and surreal and abstract art will make it look like you're trying too hard to get noticed. If you want to use tits, then make sure your game is a racing title and not a Maniac Mansion sequel.
 
Ever since the dawn of the six generation consoles (PS2, Xbox etc.), 2-dimensional games have been illegal. Bear that in mind. Unless you're making a sports title, you need a 3-D environment that looks like an acid trip when nothing's happening, and slow camera movements when there's a lot of action going on.
 
Presentation in videogame design isn't just about designing the videogame. When you're releasing the forth edition to your popular game franchise with promises of fixing every problem of the last copy, you have to know when to bite your tongue. Here is a list of examples regarding the right and wrong ways to promote your upcoming release:

Wrong: "Here is a list of everything in this game and ways for opposing companies to compete with our title half a year before its release."
Right: "Here is a screenshot of what we're hinting is the gameplay, but is more likely a picture animated for promotion." 

 
Another trend in modern videogames goes hand-in-hand with the right answer above. Pulling the wool over the public (and especially the competition's) eyes will make you look good, get your game a lot of heat and piss everyone off when they're disappointed. When I told you about using animation instead of gameplay, that applies to the TV ads and games conventions, too. It sounds evil, but it will also create a huge storm around your title and make it the talk of Internet forums.
 
F.A.Q. -  
 
'How do I let the big companies know about me?'
You know, just work really hard. Don't stop until you're dead or really sick. You'll be an instant success.

'What does the future hold for videogames and how can I invest in this knowledge?'

The Hell? You think I would know this? It's not like I have a time machine or anything. I kick arse in the present.

'What, now you're a games expert as well?'

Yeah. You got a problem with that?

Earning a fortune from technological progression and fat teenagers is like earning a medal -- anyone can do it, but most people can't be arsed either way. I would much rather spend my days teaching the world about how to be like me than spout a bunch of recycled ideas for a near-6-digit salary, but they need me over at Sega (they're about to come back and bankrupt Sony, I swear).