Your e-Penis relates directly to your ego. When your ego has been 'raised' (as is the incorrect term), stimulants from your spine release and you feel a sensation in your brain that can be compared to having your genitalia tickled by a construction worker. Your e-Penis works in the same way, only it's the Internet and no one cares.

I'm about to slap on a cowboy hat, strip down to my undies, open up a 12-pack of Vimto and watch the entire first season of Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy on DVD. But before I do just that, I would like to write an informative guide on getting people on forums to go: "All that RAM, huh" and "Hot Jim, I guess arguing over the Internet isn't worth it, when there is an all-mighty presence like you, contesting my views of important things."

Learn the stuff that's the best stuff -

"What is 'the stuff that's the best stuff,'" I hear you ask me with your nasally voice and odour that could make a horse go, "No way, man. Step off." Well, you have to know what will impress most people over the Internet without learning too much, so let me tell you what they's is, with the according e-penis measurements:

Operating System (the OS specifically isn't important, but the manufacturer is):
Windows, 1-3 inches. Mac, 4-8 inches. Linux, 9-1000 inches.
Internet Browser:
Internet Explorer, 1-1.5 inches. Firefox, 7-9 inches. Opera, 10-12 inches. Alternative/Unknown/Made-Up Browser, 500 inches.
Graphics Card:
"The one that came with my computer", 2-4 inches. "A Hewlett-package with 254k 200x84 multi-system support... It cost over a grand, ok? Shut up", 9-12 inches.

The only thing that really matters, though is how many monitors you have. When the question arises, it's better to say more than the real number than to tell the truth. People with one monitor get beaten up (over the Internet), and people with more than four are clearly liars. If you are challenged by someone who doesn't know the joys of multiple screens, simply tell them how much more efficient your work and games-play is and question their sexuality.

Pay money for computer-savvy forum memberships -

The best way to convince someone you know a lot about computers is to show them your 'Computer-Network Discussions' profile. Naturally, they will browse the forums, shortly before discovering that there's a subscription fee. By nature (recurring theme, ahoy), they will decide that you must know a lot about computers and will agree to become your Internet-wife. Your friends will attend the wedding dressed as aliens, and much merriment will be had.

Again -- and this is a very rare occurrence -- you may be attacked by another forum, and your presence there will be questioned. Simply browse your forum for a thread about why your forum is better than theirs'. Copy and paste some of the posts, but add "you clearly know nothing" at then end before sending it. Don't bother re-phrasing it; if you are challenged, just say something like, "Oh, I PMed him that, and he stole it form me."

Insult people, regardless of the condition -

Most of the time you will be spending on the Internet is time spent arguing. There are many aspects to cover here, but as long as you tell them that you often hack other people's computers, then you are successfully putting yourself over as an Internet Guy. I should warn you now not to attack anyone you suspect is a female, because you will want to have cyber-sex with this girl, regardless of, well, anything. Plus, having an Internet girlfriend makes you look like an Internet stud, so don't ruin any chances you have with her! 

A great necessity in Internet-fighting is insulting people for the following things: the community/communities they belong to; their appearance; their OS; their browser ("you're not using Macaffety 7.01.9.2!?" etc.); their number of monitors. But, when you're desperate for insults, use this little dandy: emo. That one throws everyone off. It's original, too.

When somebody sends you a link, quotes something Internet-based or asks you, "have you been on everything there is on the Internet," tell them how old it is, and how much they suck for not knowing how old it is (Note: it doesn't matter what 'it' is).

Always remember to get all of your friends to attack your enemy and make long-winded rants about how gay they are (the word faggot has many meanings in this context). If I could give you one piece of advice in writing up these arguments, it's to always use the phrase "go home and cry to your mommy, fag-boy" whenever you can.

You've probably heard the phrase "The Internet is serious business" by now. Of course, you have, it's old! That doesn't stop it from being absolutely relevant in all absoluteness. When you're in a heated argument, don't make up funny insults like 'flaming homo-candy', because no one will fear you on the Internet. Stick to the tried and true: fag (or any variation, thereof), gay, emo, loser, dick, shit, dumb-fuck. I'm sure there are more, but you will only need about three to get by.   

Attacking the Undeserving -

Knowing the lingo is one thing, but putting it to good use is, like, some kind of not-so-similar thing altogether. As a big e-penis man, you will be expected to span across all regions of Internet places, since there really aren't enough people suggesting others to obtain lives -- or even take their own -- on the Internet.

I'm about to wrap this bitch of a guide up, but here are a few examples of good e-peniserry attacks and other various comments that you can learn from:

"You fucking gay PBS kid fags! No wonder you like Sesame Street, since you all seem to have the combined intellect of one of those fucking puppets. Fuck you, you cunts! I hope your parents divorce, so I can find you on the streets and rape you."

"Hey, baby. You look hot on your pic. I'm kind of a big man on the Internet, so you wanna strip on webcam, or something? I'm a real playa, in case you didn't already know (which isn't likely)."

"Jesus Christ, you liberal hippy commie fags! There's only one good thing about women, and it sure as Hell isn't the stuff that comes out of their mouths! You guys clearly know nothing. Get a life. I bet you don't wash."

F.A.Q. -

'Where are the best places to show off my e-Penis?'

It's best that you sign up to as many forums, chat-rooms, I-M clients and general communities with the sole purpose of looking great. Don't look like you're only there to show off, but likewise, don't forget that you have a job to do. A big e-Penis job.

'I just got my arse kicked by a community and I look Internet-small now.'

Oh, you poor fag. I don't really care how that happened, but I will offer you some advice: Tell them they'll be sorry, and make a dramatic exit. Come back about a month later with a new name, and tell everyone how cool everything is now. Then go back to being a dick. Repeat this until you die.

'Was a guide on e-penises necessary?'

Are you a gay homo fag-bitch? The answer to both of our questions is yes.

What a day it's been. I've been writing this guide with the sole purpose of writing a guide, and I believe I have accomplished just that. Perhaps when humanity has been taken over by the insect population in a post-war apocalypse of Earth, the ants will move their antennae in a direction that translates to "Some Guy", and I will be remembered by the new ruling creatures for my great guides.