But being old isn't just about aging; there's an entire subculture of music, clothing and a shit-load of cakes that you have to get into to fit into the prune community (prune-munity).

If only there was some kind of guide -- by some kind of guy -- that provides all of the necessary information to get you ready for smelling like hospitals and making your relatives feel uncomfortable. Oh wait! There is a guide, and it's right here where you're reading! How did that happen? Seriously though, I will turn you into a dribbling bag of sag with my sexnificent words of wisdom (words-dom).

All music is "just noise" -

If you're unfamiliar with any music you come across, refer to it as "just noise" and you will instantly give off the impression that you're an old fatty that's completely out of touch with pop-culture. Just make sure that there's someone you know personally nearby before you start moaning, or your retirement home will be replaced with an asylum. The best thing to do is wait until a relative is playing some of their own music -- or watching Scuzz -- and then put on your best scowling voice for the classic "This is just noise!"

Feel free to improvise, too. The lines "This isn't even music" and "How can you listen to this" have been done to death, so terms like Speaker-Piss and Audio-Bollocks will make you sound like you've been old for a long time and have gotten really good at it.

Badness: "How can you listen to this? It's not even music, it's just noise."
Deliciousness: "This musical gayness makes 'What's New, Pussy Cat?' sound like the Sermon on the Mount. Seriously, a dirty Russian communist could toss off into my hands and it would sound more melodic. I take medication to stay alive!"

I won't get into it too much right now, but one of the best parts about being an old spider is insulting your family, and ripping the Spanish out of their music taste is the most tried-and-true method of doing that thing that I said there. If the music isn't overly-pretentious jazz or a predominantly jailbaitish choir, then it's open for business (the moaning about it business).

Proper Complaining -

We have plenty of liberal faggots to complain about the environment and all of that girly stuff, but if you're a wrinkle-carrier, you have to bitch about the right stuff. It's no coincidence that the biggest fannies will moan about the most trivial things (and you're a fanny). Let's look at how pathetic your old-age arguments can get:

Food - Be careful when you start banging on about food; famine, the waste from packaging and toxic chemicals are relatively important issues (and they're also Communist issues). So, you have to watch that you don't start making any decent points. Really, you'll find that you're argument will always be baseless and boring if you cover the right aspects. Here are a few Some Guy Pre-Approved Food Topics (SomeGuyPAFT):

• The declining size of shopping bags;
• The decoration of food packaging;
• The fact that super-markets are always moving the stuff around;
• The difficulty of shopping trolleys;
• The price of everything (remember that you're old, and therefore have no concept of inflation).
• How unattractive and annoying the lady at the till is.

Although food is just one example. Always bare in mind that, because you're old and useless, your constant bitching will be tolerated. Speaking of tolerance...

Make awkward, racist comments -

This is one of my favourite parts of being old. It puts across the message that you're from a less enlightened time, it disturbs the people around you and it's a lot of fun to get away with. How bombin' is that!?

There's no real technique involved in this; more a specialised performance, or method of accomplishment than a technique. You need a set-up. A general babblement over the phone after a derail about your dog when you were supposed to wish your grandson a happy birthday will do fine, but it adds more shock-value if it's done in public. Invite your family around (tell them you're going to die soon, or something), offer them tea and then improvise a story about any of the following: Hispanics, Blacks and/or Mongoloids (I mean Asians, but if you can bash some Downs kids, then go for it). 

Choose from the list and tell the story. I'll help you out here, too. Make the victim of your lack of diversity seem perfectly normal -- say they offered you their seat on the bus -- and then attack them for no reason -- "Like I'd sit on a slave stool. It was also close to the front, if I remember correctly, although I do have pretty bad Alzheimer's." Slip in a few racial slurs, but don't over-do it, or everyone will know you're being a bastard on purpose.

Slip some of these words into your daily language:

Half-Caste: This term is passé, so it will work well. It makes people nervous, but it's just bad enough to get away with.
Spic: The best time to use this slur as much as possible is now. The whole controversy about them immigrating to the States is old (adding weight to you being out-of-touch and everything).
Muslim: The term isn't by any means offensive, but you can use it generalise everyone with dark skin or headgear, which will piss off a lot of people. It also gives you leeway for some comments about terrorists and immigrants. Learn, revise, use.
The Good Ol' N-Word: Classic. It's still effective if you can use it sparingly, too. Just make sure you don't use any of these new, trendy variations, such as N-Frog, Nig-Nasha-Nasha-Nasha, Nog-Niggle or N-64.   

F.A.Q. -

'Is it true that they have nappies for old people, and the nurses at the homes have to change you?'

Yeah, but try not to look like you're enjoying it too much, or they'll insist that you do it yourself.

'Pipe or cigarettes?'

For your image? Either, it doesn't matter. Just avoid cigars and those shitty paper things that come in plastic bags that you roll yourself (that's what those arsehole teenagers use).

'This sucks. You're profiling, man. Profiling!'

Go talk to Some Guy That Gives A Shit. I'm just Some Guy. 

Well, I'm pretty damn awesome. I keep my family close to me only through the lingering hope of my inheritance, and I keep my followers close to me with an endless amount of savoury guides. The real genius behind my greater genius is the fact that I'm not even particularly old myself! I'm just so good at it that I one day convinced a family of four that I've never seen before that I was their granddad, and they still haven't questioned me. Pretty good, huh? I'll see you guys later.