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'A Time to Kill' is
the new hot programme to watch if you're in your mid-thirties and your
most enthralling conversation of recent weeks was conducted with your
over-fed cat. Like all reality TV shows, the cast are annoying and
idiotic; the presenters are annoying, idiotic and over-paid and the
executives that put it on the air should be hung by their eyelids and
slapped by a baboon consecutively every four minutes or something.
The title, stolen from the 1989 novel
written by John Grisham, is perhaps the smartest aspect of the entire
show. As is the way with all reality TV shows, only the dumbest of all
idiots were picked for both their lack of shame -- in and out of the
limelight -- and to appeal to the viewers.
The idea of the show is simple: audition
a bunch of idiots (anyone willing to apply will do) and put them in a
house full of cameras. Set out some unavailing tasks to keep the
viewers' attention and stir up some conflict by leaving flaming
hairbrushes on the floor when no one's looking. When the contestants
notice the brush of flames after about twenty minutes, accusations
such as "It was probably the paki" will entertain the uncultured
audience.
The contestants, as I previously
mentioned, are all idiots. A prime example would be the
homosexual immigrant from Pakistan -- a supporter of the BNP. The
recently deceased participant, Raz the Spaz, was a supporter of some
football team. He hated vegetarians for no reason and was the
self-proclaimed "'Ard man of England and around that Englandish area."
Perhaps the most annoying member of the
house, however, is Christalinne. She like to dress revealingly and
has a website that was never visited until she began whoring herself
('whoring' - going on reality TV). Her biggest fears are, "Foreigners
coming into our country and stealing all our trees, and
also intellectuals."
The real attraction of the show is that
every week, the audience at home vote which member of the house they
want to die. Simultaneously, the contestants will be voting how the
losing member will die. Since these people have no concept of neither
mercy nor intelligence, the forms of murder are usually quite
gruesome, forgetting that they may be the contestant to die. Last
week, for example, Raz the Spaz had his nipples stapled to the wall
while being kicked by an Irishman until they both died.
With all of your friends sure to be
babbling on about it like a group of retards at a cemetery, the silver
lining will be of greatly anticipated consolidation, like when you get
a new shower installed and it makes your day-to-day life that
much more enjoyable.
After the success of the show dries up
from over-hyping and the idea becomes stale and plagiarised by all,
everyone will eventually get sick of the entire concept and tune out.
The newly-founded 'celebrities' from the show will try their hand at
biographies, albums -- anything to piss you off. All of their attempts
at keeping their name away from the 'Shut Up and Go Home' list will
fail after cashing in their cheques from interviews and poses with
arse-papers like the Daily Star and The Sun.
With any luck, the audience, TV executives
and participants will realise how stupid they have been. There is a
thin ray of hope that they will cease their aim towards holding back
all of the timeless classics and potential greats with these endless,
tedious and over-drawn sub-plots, laced with near-bootlegged ideas.
If you are one of the few that want to
see an end to 'A Time to Kill', simply copy and paste the following
message, add your name at the bottom and send it to
viewerenquiries@channel4.co.uk:
Dear person
reading this email right now,
I don't like your
show and I am angry. By show, I mean 'A Time to Kill', and by angry, I
mean I am indicative of or resulting from anger, incensed or enraged.
By not cancelling
'A Time to Kill', you are automatically a shit. Your show is not only
holding back classics such as 'A Man Falls Over and People Laugh' but
new programmes with the potential to boost ratings like 'The Dick Van
Dyke Show' can no longer get the necessary exposure needed to make an
impact.
I hope you read
this email, and I hope you have eyes when you read it, or you will be
making a big mistake.
Yours forever and
ever and ever,
_________.
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